prayer during transition

i finally typed (and decided to share) what was on my heart the first three months back in the states.  i wrote this while on our re-entry retreat in Chicago in November 2013. some of these sentiments no longer exist, while new ones arise. i am in a much better place now than three months ago, yet i remain in transition and continue discovering what that means as time passes.

God,

I hope you know how grateful I am. 

Grateful for where I have been, the people I met, the ones I loved, the ones that loved me, the projects I was a part of, and the countless lessons I have learned.

Thank you for these gifts. 

But I am also feeling confused. . . 

How can I feel such longing, emptiness, and dissatisfaction, when I have experienced something so beautiful and powerful? 

How come I can not feel you as strongly and see you so evidently in my daily life anymore?

And tired. . .

How come I wake up with no energy some mornings? 

How can I live in this place that makes me do things I do not want to do, and live in a way I do not believe in?

And lonely. . .

How can I nurture the relationships that mean the world to me in my new world that is so different and distant?

How come its so hard to reconnect with family and friends, and sometimes harder to make new friends?

And not like myself. . .

How can I honor what I experienced, lived, and learned?

How come this no longer feels like home?

You told me that it did not matter what I would do or say, but the person I would become. 

Grant me the grace to be gentle to this new person.

Remind me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, not because its the next step in the plan, but because you are right here with me. 

Teach me the patience it takes to re-orient myself to life here. 

Help me to let go of who I was, and loved, and did, and live what I learned, 

and honor what I experienced. 

Heal my wounds. 

Hold me close, I chose to trust in your Love. 

I trust that you are still where I once was, that it was all you all along,

 that who I was and what I did was enough, and that you are not finished with me yet. 

Grant me the clarity to go where you lead me, accepting what is next to come, for it is far greater. 

I can not say I am enjoying the uncertainty, but I am sure I will love the surprise. 

And then God said “You are my beloved, in whom I am well pleased.”

Farther along I will understand. 

I hope you know how grateful I am. 

Thank you. 

Amen.